Remember "Move Your Feet"?

​Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop the beat

​Remember "Jump"?

Kris Kross'll make ya (jump!) (jump!)

Hell, remember "Get into the Groove"?

​Get into the groove, boy

​They were all dance songs in which you could move your feet to, jump to and most importantly, get into their groove to. However, that's not true of most of today's modern and popular dance music. A lot of it is goddamn sad more than anything - especially since most of it is mother****ing tropical house.

You know, the tropical "beats" you can hardly dance to because there's a chopped vocal hook distorting the beat, even though it told you to dance? Okay, "Move Your Feet" did that too but that song is obviously not to ever be taken seriously. Like, dude, the video is about an overly-aggressive 8-bit squirrel who needs to eat a Snickers. But today, you've got tropical house stuff about remembering past lovers and a mother who can't take care of her kids because she doesn't have any money and she's living off benefits, unable to pay a babysitter or anything to handle the children when she has a job. That's not fun to dance to. Also, another thing I have a problem with is this part of "It Ain't Me" by Kygo and Selena Gomez.

​It ain't me (random gibberish that apparently "translates" to "The Bowery, whiskey neat, grateful, I'm so grateful")

No matter how much you say that Selena's sayin' words there I can't believe you. It's just another goddamn chopped vocal section that passes off as a hook. And it's everywhere.

All you have to do is-- (bah) (doo doo doo doo doo doo) / All you have to do is...

​In the name of l... (weird screaming) Love... / Hey! / In the name, name, (hey!)

Rockabye, rocka-rocka-rocka-rockabye

But my main problem with most tropical house is that it all sounds the same. Wherever it's Demi Lovato, Ellie Goulding or Alessia Cara being the "female guest singer of the day", it all sounds the same. It's EDM you can't dance to. In fact, I'm gonna coin a name for this ****: ESTaJSYHaLBM. Electronic Stay There and Just Sway Your Head a Little Bit Music. Also, a lot of the lyrics are generic and kinda stupid.

​Promise me no promises

​Even Ed Sheeran has got into the tropical house thing... yeah you've probably heard it. It's got one billion views, it was number one for God knows how long, you know how it goes.

​I'm in love with the shape of you

​And it's one of the worst of the worst tropical house songs. I'm just glad Jason Derulo hasn't done one yet... please don't let this backfire on me.

Today I'm going to talk about a song with dance in the title that's a dancehall-infused dance song. Jesus Christ, Drake, you're really freaking desperate, aren't you?

​"One Dance" by Drake feat. Kyla and Wizkid

Baby, I like your style

I like yours too. Like, seriously, that singing voice is smooth and this groove is... (smooches) fantastic. I've never been a fan of dancehall or reggae, or maybe I've put off it by Sean Paul, but damn, I can actually dance to this beat. Well, subtly, because a lot of the vocals drown it out but seriously, I can jam to this.

Let's talk about that little sample here. That's from UK funky (yeah, I don't know why that genre's called that either) hit "Do You Mind" by house music singer Kyla. Kyla has a really lovely voice and fits more in dancehall than she ever really fit in... (sighs) "UK funky".

But yeah, Kyla's great, now it's Drake's turn. Let's analyse this Stupid Lyrics style.

​Grips on your legs, front way, back way / You know that I don't play

​So, here, Drake is just doing that typical, ooh, messin' around with a girl in a club thing. I mean, it's not bad, just kinda samey.

​Streets not safe, but I never run away

​So now he switches to the topic of how he's brave and although he sings now, he isn't afraid to go into the ghetto gangster streets. I think that's what he's saying at least... I should really use Rap Genius for these episodes, huh.

He kinda continues with that topic until the chorus.

​That's why I need a one dance, got a Hennessey in my hand

​Yep, he's drunk and dancing, so what?

​One more time 'fore I go / Higher powers taking a hold on me

​Wait, repeat that bit.

​Higher powers taking a hold on me

​Oh, I think I've got it now. This song's theme is: regretting **** you do when you're drunk. The "higher powers" are actually the aforementioned bottles of Hennessey, and he's only dancing with this chick he doesn't know because he's gone and drank his *** off. Drake is an alcoholic who goes to clubs and messes around with girls because he doesn't know any better when he's in this rowdy, inebriated state. Wow, that's actually a really cool topic and it's handled pretty well. And when he's talking about the streets not being safe, it's more about him being an absolute dumbass and going to places he might die in because he's intoxicated and can't tell where he is. Man, I'm starting to like this song.

​Strength and guidance / All that I'm wishing for my friends

​So here he wants his friends to guide him when he's off his head, trusting them to help him not do crazy **** when he's been sipping too much drank.

​Nobody makes it from my ends

​People who have his problem have died and he's seriously concerned that he might pass away if he doesn't get help from his friends.

​I had to bust up the silence

​When he's drunk, he feels the need to break the ice and become a laughing stock.

​You know you gotta stick by me / Soon as you see the text, reply me

​Once again, he's asking for his friends to stick by him when he's ****ing himself up.

​We've got no time

​Alcoholic Drake has got no time cos with the amount of alcohol he drinks, he will die very soon.

But Wizkid comes up and just says something that has hardly anything to do with the song.

​Got a pretty girl and she love me long time

​So who's Wizkid? Good question. Wizkid's a Nigerian singer and rapper who makes dancehall and afrobeat music. He's most famously known for...this song. Seriously, Kyla, Wizkid, you gotta thank Drake for the thousands you're gettin' off this monsterous hit. Seriously, number one in fifteen countries. 15 countries!

​Wine it, wine it, very long time

​Wait a second. Wizkid does add something to the song. Wizkid's got a girlfriend who's been sticking with the drinking problems for a very long time and is surprised she hasn't quit because of the alcoholicism. Or as Wizkid says it, he's got a pretty girl who loves him long time even though he's been wining it for a very long time.

​Tell me, I need to know / Where do you wanna go?

​Again, he needs guidance from his friends and Kyla's playing that role by asking how low he wants to go, how deep into his problems he's actually going to go and how much help he needs.

​Cos if you're down, I'll take it slow

​Kyla switches role to the girls that Drake is messing around with while drunk, and is saying that she'll take it slow if he's "down" - which is a double meaning. It could be if he's down for having sex but also if he's drunk.

​Make you lose control

​Or maybe Kyla's playing the role of the Hennessey, trying to lure Drake into drinking her. Cos if Drake chugs her, she promises she won't make Drake feel that messed up, which is a complete lie as she then makes Drake lose control.

Man, I really like this song and I wasn't expecting it to get that deep. But then, that's just a theory. A Drake theory!

Review of "One Dance" by me

"Move Your Feet" by Junior Senior owned by Crunchy Frog

"Jump" by Kriss Kross, written by literally 14 people (like, Jesus Christ) and owned by So So Def, Ruffhouse and Columbia

"Into the Groove" by Madonna and owned by Sire and Warner

"It Ain't Me" by Kygo and Selena Gomez and owned by Sony and Ultra

"In the Name of Love" by Martin Garrix and Babe Rexha and owned by STMPD and Epic

"Rockabye" by Clean Bandit (featuring Anne-Marie and Sean Paul) and owned by Atlantic and Warner

"No Promises" by Cheat Codes (featuring Demi Lovato) and owned by Parlophone and Warner

"Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran and owned by Asylum and Atlantic

"One Dance" by Drake (featuring Kyla and Wizkid) and owned by OVO Sound, Cash Money and Young Money

What do you want me to review next?

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.