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​ARCHIVED FROM AUGUST 2016.  ----  Welcome to Stupid Lyrics, where lyrics are stupid. This is the third and possibly final episode as I will be focusing more on Genderless (??) and New News as far as blog series go. But anyway, welcome back to me analyzing lyrics too much. This is one of my favourite theme songs, but that's because it's so damn stupid.

Teenage Mutant Ni--

Hold on, I'm British. Ninja? No, no way. I'm triggered. This should be Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. Get those nunchucks outta here, Mikey and bring on the grappling hook!

Teenage Mutant N--

HERO

--Turtles

Teenage Mutant N--

HERO

--Turtles! / Heroes in a half-shell

Wait, they never refer to their shells as half-shells in the series. In fact, they hardly refer to the fact that they're turtles other than the villains, April and Splinter. Do they actually know that they are turtles? Do they think they're normal? (gasps) What if April was the real turtle and the turtles are humans who imagine themselves as turtles due to being trapped in the sewer with a giant rat? What if I'm completely over-analysing this?

Turtle power!

They're tortoises. Think about it, when you see them in the intro before they're mutants, they have legs and can walk on land like a tortoise. Shouldn't it be Teenage Mutant N--Hero--Tortoises?

They're the world's most fearsome fighting team (We're really hip!) / They're heroes in a half shell and they're green (Hey - get a grip!) / When the evil Shredder attacks / These turtle boys don't cut him no slack

Sorry, Chuck Lorre, producer and creator of such masterpieces like Two and a Half Men and such mehsterpieces like The Big Bang Theory, wrote April saying: "We're really hip!" and Donatello cheesily saying "Hey, get a grip!" like some kind of crappy rapper hiding in an awesome singer's song.

And they're green

No shell, Sherlock.

These turtle boys don't cut him no slack

Grammar Police! Where are you? +1 Gramm-error.

Splinter taught them to be n-

HERO

--teens (He's a radical rat!)

Ratical, Mikey. So, so ratical.

Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines

Donatello does machines? Really? I expect more from you, Chuck. Donatello does machines? Like, sexually?

I get how he meant to say invents machines, but "does" machines? How about "makes" machines? Or is that too smart for the N--Hero--loving kids watching the show?

Raphael is cool but crude (Gimmie a break!)

And we never did. Seriously, Raph is in nearly EVERY TMHT action figure series, but then Donnie (and sometimes Mikey) are cast aside for if they ever do a series two. For the first base set of the figures, they have Leo, Donnie, Mikey and Raph but then after that, Donnie is usually set aside. This is derogatory. I am triggered by this. #MakeDonatelloAnActionFigureAgain

Michaelangelo is a party dude

Oh, screw this! A party dude? God, the 80's possessed you, didn't they, Chuck?

(Party!)

IN THESE CONDITIONS, MIKEY?!


After that amazing mental breakdown, I have to conclude: Chuck Lorre should go on the turtle-electric chair and get shellshocked. See ya! (salutes)

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