Hello, I'm Mrs Chanandler Bong and welcome to Reviewing the Charts.


​It's the momentz we relive / It's the moments like this

At the moment, I don't feel like I can do a proper lyrical analysis of what's new and trending, either because I don't feel entitled to analyse it due to my lack of knowledge about the topic like "Praying" or "The Story of OJ".

​Light n****, dark n****, faux n****, real n****

​Or because it's not interesting lyrically, musically or I just can't get much jokes out of it.

​Dig down!

​So I decided, fuck it, let's review the UK Top 10. I'll be talking about the new arrivals every single week but for now I guess I'll just have to review all 10.

​10: "Power" by Little Mix featuring Stormzy

This song's just a bit weird. Little Mix is a decent band I suppose, they all can sing but I only think two or three of them can handle this weird electro-funk-R&B-pop-rock beat which blends genres into a percussion-heavy mess. It's a generic sexual dominance anthem until the rap part?

Oh, I'm a machine when I do it

This isn't Stormzy. This is a two-line - yep, ONE BAR, - rapping section from Little Mix vocalist Jesse. I don't get why this happened and why it had to exist.

But otherwise, pretty generic. Stormzy isn't anything to talk about either.

​9: "Pretty Girl (Cheat Codes x Cade Remix)" by Maggie Lindemann

​I'm not just a pretty girl

​Well, yeah, you are just a pretty girl. Lyrics are generic SJW nonsense talking about shit that doesn't exist.

​Fuck your ribbons and your pearls

​Oh, guys, you can't give gifts to women anymore. It's offensive.

There's also the perspective that it's about a guy neglecting her. In that case it's just shit dance music.

​8: "Your Song" by Rita Ora


​7: "Strip that Down" by Liam Payne featuring Quavo

This is just painful. Cheesy lyrics, some put there just to rile people up and create false drama:

​I used to be in ID (now I'm out free)

​I'm surprised it worked. It's not even dissing One Direction. Also, with a generic and forgettable rap verse from Quavo and outdated and cringy late '00s instrumentation, this is one of the worst songs of the year so far.

​6: "Came Here for Love" by Sigala and Ella Eyre

[yawns] I like Ella's voice I guess.

​5: "Mama" by Jonas Blue featuring William Singe

This is kind of a strange song. It's a dance song which is supposed to be about William's mother not worrying about him going out. It's kind of a strange and reverse to the often-tired rebellious nature of club songs. But hey, this is kind of interesting and has a funky post-disco vibe to it so you know, I think this is a good ​song to relax to. It's a fun little song I'd willingly listen to.

​4: "Feels" by Cal​vin Harris featuring Pharrell, Katy Perry and Big Sean

Remember how I said I liked post-disco? This does it perfectly with an almost tropical-sounding retro 80's vibe and instrumentation, backed up by soulful (albeit sometimes strange and cheesy) lyrics from Pharrell. In fact, if this was an 80's song I wouldn't mind. It'd fit in. The cheesy lyrics are perfect and used to replicate 80's.

​Do you mind if I steal a kiss? (Chop, chop!)

​"Chop, chop!" as in "hurry, I want a kiss"? He didn't mention anything about hurrying to get the kiss so the more likely option is that he... wants to chop off this girl's tounge? I dunno.

Katy Perry has a very monotone and boring hook - I wish Pharrell carried this hook honestly.

​Whoa... / Goddamn, I know you love to make an entrace

​And so did Big Sean apparently with a surprisingly good rap about cutting off all his exes because he doesn't want to settle in a relationship and he admits this.

​And honestly I'm way too dumb with the hoes

So yeah, I love this song. I think it's a good ​song and definitely the best one in the Top 10.

​3: "Unforgettable"  by French Montana featuring Swae Lee


​2: "Wild Thoughts" by DJ Khaled featuring Rihanna and Bryson Tiller


​1: ???

SUMMER: July 19, 2017 (Katy Perry, Jonas Blue, Sigala) - August 16th, 2017 (James Arthur, Dua Lipa, Enrique Inglesias) - August 20th, 2017 (P!nk)